bouncing back

So if you haven't noticed I've been more emotional lately.

I think it was a combination of feeling old, the weather changing/darkening, work changes, personal realizations and resolving inner/outer conflicts.  Mainly, I think I was putting off having some quiet internal reflections/conversations that I needed to have, but was not wanting to face the hard truths that come with that.

Now that I have had some time to reflect I can better get a grip on my various situations.  I haven't gotten any real resolve on anything, mostly because there is nothing I am able to do at the moment, but thinking a little clearer has made me feel slightly better.

For instance, dealing with getting older and my body failing me:

I ended up getting a back and bottom cushion for my chair at work to cut back on some back problems I am having.  It's hard to tell, but I think it's been helping.  Also, I went to the doctor recently and I'm going to do a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea or other issues.... it's not scheduled yet but trying not to get as upset about the possibility of a cpap.  And it seems when it rains, just like today, I start to have head/sinus problems.  I have some aches and pains lately which are probably due to my back issues and sleep issues, but these more noticeable aches/pains are a small reminder that my body isn't what it used to be and that I am going to have to pay better attention to my health.

It reminds me of my mortality.... of what I am doing here in the first place and where I am going (home where God is waiting for me).  A reminder that how I am feeling physically is nothing compared to the sufferings of Christ and yet a reminder to share in that suffering with joy.  However, I don't always listen to those reminders in the right way - becoming quite narcissistic and the opposite of joyful.  Forgetting both those who suffer much worse pain than I could ever realize and  the One who suffered the ultimate pain.

This is just one part of my emotional cycles lately.  Luckily Our Lady has been watching over me and undoing my inner knots ;).  Although I try to re-tangle myself, she comes in helping me to identify what strings need to be cut and what parts of myself are tied together.  It's a slow and painful process, but worth it.

Our Lady, who ponders all things in her heart, Pray for us!